Friday, February 15, 2008

Why my cat would make a good Presidential Candidate

**So as not to clog the chaplain's serious post with any more of my silliness, I've moved this bit of wishful thinking over here.

JASPER 2008

I am of the strong opinion that my cat, Jasper would make a much better Republican nominee for President than those we have to choose from this year.
  • He is both black and white, thereby appealing to everyone (except yellow people, but a yellow cat having the capability to be president is so far-fetched as to be ridiculous; maybe Prime Minister or Attorney General)
His stand on the issues:
  • He is tough on crime, as evidenced by his program of catch and eat
  • His immigration policy is extremely strict. No immigrants will be allowed without first being excessively sniffed and given the very difficult sit-on-the-lap-and-pet test.
  • Like many conservatives he does not place a lot of importance on the sciences especially in the area of pill research, though experimentation in the treat field is still vigorously endorsed. Health care is also not a big priority.

Now before you say he is too conservative, he has other qualities that make him more of a moderate.

  • He is very diplomatic and will not enter into a conflict until all other measures have been exhausted This usually takes about 30 - 45 seconds. This policy does not apply to mice, who, I think everyone would agree, are a menace and must be rooted out and destroyed. He showed proof of his great leadership as a general in the Great Basement Excavation Uprising of 2002.
  • He believes in freedom of religion for all, being a Bastist, himself, and will even allow those without religion to worship him. Or even those with religion, he's very liberal in that respect.

His probable running mate would be his housemate Stella.

She brings some balance in being more tolerant of science and technology, though she is absolutely firm on the banning of compressed air and Roombas. She will relieve the apprehensions of the hawks in the party as she is very big on domestic espionage, pre-emptive strikes and, when absolutely warranted, "enhanced interrogation techniques." Big Business will also find a friend in Stella, especially the box, plastic bag and suitcase industries.

As a bonus, both candidates are DRM free!

If you think these are candidates you can get behind, I encourage you to join our massive write-in campaign and elect Jasper K. Purrface and Stella Bug Monkeybutt in 2008.

Viva la Revolucion!

6 comments:

The Exterminator said...

He is both black and white, thereby appealing to everyone (except yellow people ...
Wait a minute. Doesn't he have yellow eyes?

How do Jasper and Stella feel about the se-purr-ation issue. Do they think a wall should be erected between fish dinners and chicken dinners?

the chaplain said...

Jasper and Stella need to watch out for the Exterminator. He's a rival candidate and may be fishing for dirt to use against his opponents. Exterminator may have learned about such tricks from his political mentor and idol, Hillary Rodham Clinton.

The Exterminator said...

The only thing I have to say about chappy's unfounded attack is that I'm not sure the country is ready for a feline president.

the chaplain said...

Is the country ready to have an owl for president?

Pockets said...

Well, I still have to give an extra nod to old Hillary Rodham Clinton. My sick male plan all along has been to get her elected so that I can be HER intern and have her take out all her sexual disgust for Slick Willie on me.

Can't say as I could do that with Jasper and Stella. I mean, that might be beastiality and such might lead to gay marriage, thereby losing Jasper's Republican base.

the chaplain said...

Pockets, if you implement your plan, make sure that both you and HRC get a lot more out of it than Bill & Monica did. Good God! I knew kids in high school who had more exciting sexual adventures than those two did!