Sunday, February 24, 2008


It seems rather poetic that Mel "Mr. Ultra Passionate Orthodox Catholic Sugar-tits" Gibson keeps creating movies about how religion makes people superstitious, bloodthirsty savages.

I don't think for an instant that he's ever intended that.

This is, however, the second time he's done it.


Wednesday, February 20, 2008

I think we can all relate...

Duty Calls

Mouse over the image for the full effect.

I emphatically recommend xkcd to anyone who hasn't found it, yet.


Friday, February 15, 2008

Why my cat would make a good Presidential Candidate

**So as not to clog the chaplain's serious post with any more of my silliness, I've moved this bit of wishful thinking over here.


I am of the strong opinion that my cat, Jasper would make a much better Republican nominee for President than those we have to choose from this year.
  • He is both black and white, thereby appealing to everyone (except yellow people, but a yellow cat having the capability to be president is so far-fetched as to be ridiculous; maybe Prime Minister or Attorney General)
His stand on the issues:
  • He is tough on crime, as evidenced by his program of catch and eat
  • His immigration policy is extremely strict. No immigrants will be allowed without first being excessively sniffed and given the very difficult sit-on-the-lap-and-pet test.
  • Like many conservatives he does not place a lot of importance on the sciences especially in the area of pill research, though experimentation in the treat field is still vigorously endorsed. Health care is also not a big priority.

Now before you say he is too conservative, he has other qualities that make him more of a moderate.

  • He is very diplomatic and will not enter into a conflict until all other measures have been exhausted This usually takes about 30 - 45 seconds. This policy does not apply to mice, who, I think everyone would agree, are a menace and must be rooted out and destroyed. He showed proof of his great leadership as a general in the Great Basement Excavation Uprising of 2002.
  • He believes in freedom of religion for all, being a Bastist, himself, and will even allow those without religion to worship him. Or even those with religion, he's very liberal in that respect.

His probable running mate would be his housemate Stella.

She brings some balance in being more tolerant of science and technology, though she is absolutely firm on the banning of compressed air and Roombas. She will relieve the apprehensions of the hawks in the party as she is very big on domestic espionage, pre-emptive strikes and, when absolutely warranted, "enhanced interrogation techniques." Big Business will also find a friend in Stella, especially the box, plastic bag and suitcase industries.

As a bonus, both candidates are DRM free!

If you think these are candidates you can get behind, I encourage you to join our massive write-in campaign and elect Jasper K. Purrface and Stella Bug Monkeybutt in 2008.

Viva la Revolucion!



That's right, bitches!

This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:

drugs (8x) death (7x) abortion (4x) fuck (3x)


My new advice on arguing with Christians


Really, don't even bother. I've spent DAYS following and commenting on the saga of the "Atheists hate America" billboard in Pennsylvania. Over 90% of the comments are from atheists and freethinkers. It doesn't stop the idiots from making comments like:

  • Why do you hate God?
  • Why do you hate Christians?
  • If you used to be a Christian and now you're not then you weren't really a Christian.
  • I would suggest that The hindus, buddhists, communists, taoists, etc. do hate America just as the Atheists hate America

And my favorite:

  • Thus, when athiests fail to recognize God as the LORD, they are failing to have this nation blessed.
    What is the opposite of a blessing? A curse.
The articles are linked below. The columns are realtively short, but beware the comment forums! I didn't comment in all of them. Still, why am I so stupid? Why do I still give ANYONE the benefit of the doubt?

Apologetic billboard replaces atheistic sign 2-5
Battle of the Chambersburg billboards 2-9 - commented
Our view: Defensive billboard goes a bit overboard 2-10
Letter to the editor: Editorial puzzles billboard sponsor 2-12 - commented
'Imagine No Religion' billboard's source has different tale to tell 2-13 - commented
Billboards motivate far-flung reactions 2-14 - commented

Fuck it. I'm not even discussing it anymore. The minute someone even mentions support for creationism, intelligent design, young earth, Mike Huckabee or any of that Fundamentalist bullshit, I'm just going to reply,"Fuck you. You're an idiot. Stop infecting my fucking gene pool with your worthless, malformed gametes, you son of a pig-whore jackass." And then, I might even kick them skwa in the nuts.


I'm serious.


Tuesday, February 12, 2008

I am afraid

I had a lot planned for the coming days. I've been putting together a rant about Louisiana going for Huckabee and the ridiculous influence of Protestants in this once Catholic state. I had a whole bunch of research done on the constitutions of Afghanistan and Iraq and the questions, "Do a people who will choose democratically to subjugate their own rights and the rights of others deserve democracy? Who gets to decide this and what are the alternatives?" I had a nice thing going related to this about that poor bastard in Afghanistan who may be put to death (probably not) simply for questioning women's rights under Islam.

But none of that matters. I just had a revelation, if you will, while watching a Barack Obama commercial that ran Friday night (Yay Tivo!). I had an acting teacher who called this sort of thing "startling realization of the obvious," and he wasn't saying that disparagingly. But if it's so obvious, then why can't anyone else see it? That's one of the reasons I started writing things down to begin with. If these ideas are so clear, then why is no one smarter than me having them?

We are headed for a revolution in this country. Bear with me. I don't mean to say that lines and swords will be drawn, but you never know these days.

A line in the Obama commercial was about universal health care. I hate the idea of universal health care. Universal (national, socialized, whatever) health care will not work in this country. The only reason it works (sort of) in Canada is that they run a closed system. Doctors cannot not accept public money from patients in the system and private money from those without. You're in or you're out. Period. That won't fly here. People are used to their choices. They are used to being AMERICAN with all the privilege and entitlement that implies. A universal health care system, closed or otherwise, would only widen the disparity between the rich and the not rich. I don't say poor, because that's not who I'm talking about. The victims of universal health care, the victims of the carbon tax, the victims of the AMT, the victims of the war in Iraq, the victims of September 11, the victims of tax rebates and housing bailouts and every single program from the right and the left are the middle class.

The American Revolution was not started by the aristocracy but by farmers and shopkeepers. The French Revolution was not sparked by the starving poor but by the merchants being taxed into starvation. The Glorious Revolution was not started by the rural poor but by the urban professionals. The National Socialists rode to power on the backs of dissatisfied teachers, public servants and small business owners. In all of these cases, it was the middle class (or what passed for it at the time) that felt the worst pressure and helped drive these events. The poor were enraged cannon fodder, the self-important, jockeying upper class provided the money, but the middle class provided the thinking and the organization that toppled regimes and overturned social order.

The same paradigms exist today. The poor are always going to be poor and, quite honestly, they get better off every year. We have the richest poor people in history living in this country. The majority of them will always be poor and all the pandering and social programs in the world will not change that. The rich are always going to be rich. Barring catastrophe, the wealthy react to all change with adaptation that is only possible through means. They have to pay a little more? Whatever. They may gripe about it but, ultimately, they'll survive and continue to prosper. More taxes on the rich and more money being thrown at the poor will not change either's situation. It is the middle class that is caught in this crunch and is shrinking all the time. It is the middle class that will break.

All they need is a reason. All they need is a villain. They have that right now. Godlessness. The Christian middle class is being told every day that they are under fire, that they are being oppressed. The architects of their misfortunes and struggles are the atheists, the heathens, the heretics and the infidels. The Christians are fighting their war, their revolution, already. They fight it in the classroom, the courtroom, the council chamber and on the village green. Science is their enemy, rational thought is their oppressor, Satan is in everything secular and they are suffering because of it. The godless liberals and activist judges allow homosexuality and abortion to cripple them. The loss of Christian privilege will soon result in a new Coliseum, complete with lions. Every rumor is a roar and never quieted.

I used to say that when the revolution came it would come from the left, from those who would protect us from ourselves and regulate even our language and thoughts into total obedience and compliance. This is no longer the case. The revolution will come from the middle class; they will have God at their helm and all his righteous fury behind them.

We would not be in the situation in which we find ourselves if everything was ok. If they did not feel disenfranchised and marginalized, these people would not be turning to religion for answers. The fault of this lies where it usually does - in the ruling class and its greed and lust for power.

Right or left, conservative or liberal, Republican or Democrat, the labels don't matter anymore. The political parties exist now for a singular purpose - the accumulation of power and money. If the Democrats really cared about ending the war that's bankrupting the nation, they could in an instant. They are simply served better by a war going poorly than a defeat. If the war was going well, if the people still supported it, the entire Democratic party would be behind it, just as they were in the beginning. By the same token, if the illegals in this country could be counted on to vote Republican, they would have already been pardoned and naturalized. The Democrats use shame and the Republicans use fear. Both are used to further separate agendas with the same end. Power.

I am talking about parties, now, not people. The Clintons have already shown their lust for the big chair and aren't even trying to conceal it this time around. McCain wants to be liked. Huckabee thinks he can ride Chritianity to the Vice-Presidency, regardless of his actual belief in his Dominionist rhetoric. I cannot find an ulterior motive or insidious agenda in Obama, but I do believe that the Party will use him to further theirs. I also believe that what seems too good to be true usually is. As it turns out, even John Kennedy wasn't John Kennedy.

I have nothing to cite. No studies or data to back anything up. I only have my own observations and knowledge of history. Both, to be sure, are somewhat deficient. But I am, for the first time, afraid of what might happen in my lifetime. I don't think there will be organized and armed conflict or a sudden coup or anything that interesting, sensational or apocalyptic. At least, at first. I do see the possibility of the destruction of the Constitution and the failure of the American experiment. I see the possibility of "one Nation, under God."

My wife thinks I should speak out. Run for office. Try to effect change. I have no idea how to do any of that. I have no idea if my business, my marriage or my family would be able to withstand the strain of forever tilting at the windmills.

I am too old for idealism, yet I cannot stop believing. I have faith, yes, FAITH, in the Great Experiment. I have faith in the possibility of a New Enlightenment. I have faith in the American ideal, the Declaration, the Constitution, life, liberty and the pursuit.

But I'm afraid.


Sunday, February 10, 2008

Another Four Years of Winter

Today, I am so ashamed to be from and living in Louisiana.

More later.


Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Just Tuesday

That's what today is everywhere else.

Happy Mardi Gras, y'all.

Laissez les bon temp rouler!


Monday, February 4, 2008

18 - 1

I have been away from posting too long. One reason is the amount of time I spend reading and commenting on other blogs. Stop being so compelling, you fucks! The other reason is that I am too tired to have "big thinks" for any longer than it takes to write a few sentences and by the time I get something together it's way overdue. And with my free time, I generally play video games.

That being said, I am posting today because I hate the fucking Patriots. Watching them not only lose but just get dominated by the Giants D was more satisfying than any football game this season. I loved seeing Brady hit the ground. I loved seeing Bill "Crybaby" Belichick leave his team on the field with 1 second left. I loved seeing both of these sore losers mumble and grumble and not say anything positive about the team that just outplayed them. I loved that no one got to be perfect. I loved that the cheaters couldn't win it all. I absolutely love that Bostonians get so pissed that their important, Puritan, heart-of-the-revolution city is regularly ignored in favor of an island the Dutch, the DUTCH, stole off a bunch of Indians. And I love that the football team from that island just beat the piss out of the Patriots.

I fucking hate Boston. Any town known for giving bad directions to tourists is crap. Any town that has more than 3 left turns at a given intersection is bullshit. The Red Sox fans bitched about the Yankees "buying" their World Series, but were ok with their own team buying theirs. Fuck the Celtics. The Celtics are known for Larry Bird and fuck-all else. Bruins? Please. Who gives a fuck about hockey? The NFL is the premier sport in this country and the Patriots, regardless of their season, regardless of all their records, are nothing but cheaters and losers. That's the Belichick legacy, folks. Eat it, you bastids.

Oh, and it was great that a New Orleans boy won the Super Bowl for the second time in a row. I could only be happier if the Saints had won it all. Even then, it wouldn't be by much.


Saturday, February 2, 2008

Urban Fat

Okay, my bad idea to combat the American obesity epidemic is to make all the one-way streets also apply to pedestrians.

My bad idea to end the War in Iraq is to allow it to apply to be our 51st state.

My bad idea to combat global climate change is to have violent crime convicts on work furlough shave all the polar bears.

My bad idea to fix American health care is to have Canada forcefully annex the U.S. while our troops are overseas.

My bad idea to strengthen the economy is to implement an I.R.S. lottery in which everybody who pays a little more in taxes is entered to win the eternal right never to pay any more income tax at all.

My bad idea to solve illegal immigration is to spread cartoon pushpins over the Arizona desert.

...and my bad idea to have readers take me more seriously...write less seriously.